Okay, I know I said not a lot of blogging for a bit, but things took a serious turn towards boring tonight. I got home at about 1630 and found the power to be out. So, I messed around for a bit, but it was dark before long and I found myself sitting on my bed, by candlelight, bored out of my mind. I turned on a playlist I made last night and pretty much have been sitting ever since.
I did take a minute and play with the camera, taking pictures by candlelight, which was pretty fun. I pulled off the pics I took today down at the library, ended up with one in particular that I am very happy with. So, other than that, I’ve just been here thinking; and I’ve had a few realizations. Being realizations and reconnections are the purpose of my little hiatus, I thought writing briefly about them would be most appropriate.
1) I’m a pretty lonely guy when it gets down to it. I do a very good job of isolating myself (physically); I guess it’s a means of protection because if I don’t have a lot of people around, not much can go wrong and there is little chance for drama. As far as my emotions go though, I’m wide-friggen-open and will generally tell those to whom I am close just about anything they want to know.
2) I love my solitude, but hate not having someone close by (which stands in direct opposition to realization number one). Of course, I can’t have it both ways and I know this, but doesn’t stop me from wanting it. What life looks like with someone else is starting to become pretty clear to me, but I’m working hard to build a great social cirlcle, all of whom will continue to be around, even if I get into another relationship. Of course, my intensity often scares people off and I’m afraid I’ve sent someone running recently. Part of my mindfulness is learning to tone that intensity down a little.
3) I have gotten tired of spending large amounts of time by myself. Of course, I’m used doing so but, it gets old. Last summer when Corinne began spending long periods away from home, I just got into the groove of being single. She would be gone for up to two weeks at a time; I got used to it quickly. I’m unsure how people go for years – even decades – without having a deep connection with someone.
4) I am pretty dependent on my electronic devices and though I don’t think that’s an entirely bad thing, I certainly could use a little less computer time, texting time, or whatever. I rationalize it because it is a means of keeping in contact with those close to me, but it is in excess. I don’t watch any TV anymore, though what I’ve lost in TV time, I’ve made up for in computer time. I mean what’s an isolated single guy to do? Lame. I need to cut that out and make even more room for reading time. Bleh, laptop battery just died, here come the headphones, iPhone to the rescue (see?)!
So, yeah, it’s taken three days of fairly lonesome solitude to realize the above. I’ve “known” these things for a long time, but realizing them has been something else entirely. I spite of all this, I met some new people last night and had some great conversations about kids, comedy, and burial rituals (I know…right? For the record, I’m getting creamated and experssly prohibiting an overkill funeral in my will). During that conversation I was able to feel to some sense of normalcy (read: I didn’t feel like a therapist), even if it was just for a few hours.
Bring it home Imogen!
Oh, and I did spend some time cleaning up my iTunes library late Thursday, deleting things I’ve never listened to:
Before:
After:
6+ GB, not bad savings.
Pure Pride
Yesterday was an oddly rough day. Okay, it was a very hard day. I won’t discuss the reasons here, but undoubtedly, I didn’t think the day would end up like it did; an emotional roller coaster. After I blew off some steam talking to the people closest to me (yes Greg, the trolls have been getting to me, Ryan, thanks for taking time to let me blather), I sat down and did a little writing…okay, venting…okay, it was nasty, like…yeah…bad stuff…pure vitriol. Really, I wouldn’t want anyone reading this stuff, but it was there and needed purging. Anyway, my day and my writings are not the point. The point is, I started thinking about my accomplishments to help pull me out of my funk. I’m not going to go through and list them here, but I will say this: I’m extremely proud of this website.
I have been running it since November of 2002 and have always maintained it and designed its layout. Back then, Wordpress wasn’t Wordpress, it was called B2. B2 hasn’t been updated since early 2004, but ’round about that time, I switched to Wordpress (it was a fork of the original B2 code). B2 was interesting. Actually, it was quite easy to work with. I made my own theme and just plugged the .php files into it. Not bad. Wordpress, unfortunately, was a bit more to work with, but I got used to it. I developed a very minimal theme and customized it to my satisfaction. I’m actually pretty proud of the fact that I’ve never used a stock theme; K2 is the first theme I haven’t written for myself, but even then I created the style you see on this page. I mean, I’m no CSS expert or anything, but I think I’ve done a pretty good job for a guy who has been out of the IT industry for nearly four years and done no serious web work since about that same time. Furthermore, the visual arts are not my forte.
Anyway, there have been periods where I haven’t posted regularly (I think the longest being two months), but for the most part, I’ve been pretty consistent. I was blogging before anyone else I know, let alone the masses. Of course, there were people doing it before me, I was no originator, but my point is…this is something I’ve been very dedicated to. Over the years, it has transcended to become much more than a simple hobby. Blogging has come a long way; in general, but for myself as well.
I’m asked all the time how I can post personal stuff onto such a publicly accessible page. My answer is this: I don’t put anything on here that I wouldn’t tell a near-stranger face-to-face. It’s as simple as that. One time, very long ago, I posted some personal in-law stuff…it was removed in fairly short order after I realized who was actually reading my page (turns out, a lot more people than I thought).
Over the years, I’ve enjoyed posting on a variety of subjects. I’ve run different blogs for different reasons; the-fergusons.net was the progenitor of this site, with cynicious.com being somewhat of a pseudonym blog for myself, which I ultimately scrapped, but imported over here regardless. I started school full-time a few months before I put this page up and I maintained the site all the way through my college education (which was often the reason for long periods of absence). It has seen me through my marriage, my children’s lives, and so many other things, I have a hard time recounting them all. I’ve set up tens of blogs for other people and continue hosting them for my closest friends. In short, this page is kind of a big deal to me.
Perhaps it may seem silly to some, but as I said, this is not just an hobby. It is a creative outlet, and emotional outlet, a means of connecting with people from my past, and a means of meeting people who may be part of my future. It stands as an homage to times past when social work and therapy were things I had experienced rather than though of as a career. It has seen my political tastes swing from conservative to liberal, my slow sway away (again) from religion, served as a personal and professional resource, and chronicled my experience as a father to my two beautiful children. It has changed physical locations no less than three times, but nonetheless, has always remained (I hosted it on my own home server before finally moving it to InfoWest, and even there it has changed locations and servers).
I’m asked frequently if this is something I’ll continue to do well into the future. The short answer is yes. There may come times when it will take on less importance because life gets in the way; there may be people/subjects that I choose not to post about; there may be reasons for which I step away for periods of time; but one thing is for sure: I do not foresee myself ever ending it. It’s not just something I do, It’s become as much a part of me as anything else in the last seven years of my life…and I’m proud of it.
Links:
b2 – a classy weblog tool