I’ve been really fighting off some super down feelings the last few days. I made a pretty dumb mistake the other day (okay, a really dumb mistake) and in trying to make up for it, believe I really overcompensated. I’ve spent a good bit of time processing it with Greg and Brenda, but I’m still messed up over it. I have a history of being pretty hard on myself for making mistakes. It’s my whole good-look/perfection bit. Of course, when I don’t live up to my perfect expectations, the guilt kicks in. It’s my own crap and it’s been an issue for me for as long as I can remember.
Anyway, I’ve been spending a lot of unnecessary time at work just to keep things out of my head. I went in yesterday and spent about three hours doing notes that would have normally taken me no more than an hour to do and then hung around for a bit doing virtually nothing. The secretary asked the other day if I went down there because I was feeling down. It’s amazing how intuitive some people are. The funny thing is, it doesn’t really have anything to do with the dramatic changes I’ve been experiencing over the last five months (wow, it’s been that long), rather it has everything to do with the lack of clarity I have about my situation. Strangely though, this is not to say that I’m unclear about my future, as I have a pretty good idea where I’m headed. The lack of clarity has to do with my inability to figure specific situations and feelings out in my head and having had the realization recently that not everything is has to make sense. For a person who helps other people figure out their situations and feelings, this is a difficult thing to do. So, rather than spending gobs of time trying to pick through it all, I’ve just been steeping in the murky haze of some very personal things. Like so many other things over the last five months, I’ve been forcing myself to sit with it and that has been one of the hardest things I’ve done in a long time.
So, this isn’t a cry for help as it is some lame attempt to tell a few people in my life that if I seem disconnected recently, it’s because I really am. I’m purposefully doing it and I am hoping to bring it all to a close soon, but this is it for now. Hang in there with me.
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Wow….sounds like you’ve had a rough time “Fighting the Funk”. I always worry about you when we don’t hear from you. I know for myself, I don’t like to call anyone until I have something good to say about what’s going on in my life. I think that’s a pretty universal feeling.
I don’t know what you’re going through, but I know – that you know – we support you. I’m really glad you have somewhere to go when you need to clear your head, and just get out of the house.
We’re thinking about you but here’s the tough love part.
Quit being so freaking hard on yourself…seriously….it’s totally unnecessary. Quit pulling a “Chris” and be reasonable. There’s nothing wrong with being an Over-acheiver… but within reason. You’re allowed to screw up. You’re allowed to be less than perfect…that’s life. Now pick yourself up, clear your head, and start moving forward. I know I am guilty of this myself, yes, believe it…I too am a perfectionist. However, find that middle ground with yourself. You know you are doing the best you can right now. When you screw up, quite beating yourself up, dwelling on it, or over analyzing it. (because I KNOW that is EXACTLY what you’re doing….playing it over and over in your head) Find your error, accept it….move forward.
Hope I haven’t come across too harshly….I can be kind of insensitive sometimes….eeek.
Thanks Marta. You all’s support does mean a lot to me.
As far as the tough love thing goes, I know, I know. I’ve got to just get past it. I have to admit how funny it is to work with a bunch of people who are getting over the good-look/perfection thing themselves, only to realize that I’m right there along with them.
You are correct, I have played my mistake over and over again in my head. Even though I’ve apologized for it, I’m afraid damage was done. My logic tells me I really blew it, but my intuition tells me things are kosher. My problem now is just accepting my mistake and giving myself permission to move past it; something I’ve never done well. Tips?
Okay…first of all…I still have no idea what you’re talking about…but my advice is TRUST YOUR INTUITION. That is the only thing you have to use as your compass. It you have done something to hurt feelings or offend someone, it sounds like you have taken the proper steps to rectify the situation. If that person chooses to accept your remorse, it is in their hands to move forward and show you that forgiveness has been given. If they are incapable of doing that….and you have been genuine….do you really need someone like that in your life? Now is the time to cut the crap, and be who you truly are, and see others for who THEY truly are. Like I said, I still am confused and not even sure I’m giving the right kind of advice….but it’s really very simple. You done everything in your control to right your wrong….now it’s their turn. How they handle the situation will tell you volumes about them as a person, and also about your friendship.
I know I’m being intentionally vague, but you’re on the right track. (: